In elementary school I already felt that there was something different about me. I saw all the other
kids playing and laughing with each other. They were interacting and socializing in a very automatical way. With me it was different. I was just kind of locked up inside myself and I wasn’t able to interact or socialize at all. I just didn’t know how. My whole world was inside my own head and it was like there was
no way to get out of there. Everything word I said and every action had to be discussed and calculated inside my mind over and over before it could come out. But everything around me did come in and it was all so loud that I couldn’t make sense out of anything. It was all just one big and loud confusing chaos. I found the whole world around me extremely scary, confusing, loud and chaotic. I didn’t understand anything around me.
But I did want to fit in and to make friends so one day I just decited to study all the other kids. I studied and memorized all their words, their actions, their opinions, their questions and their answers. I learned how they responded in which sitiations and what they answered to certain questions. I memorized it all without even understanding one tiny bit of it and just copied it in the same kind of situations. But you might be able to imagine that my responsise were quite limited. When a situation or a question appeared that was totally unfamiliar to me I didn’t know how to response or what to say. I was like a computer programmed for certain tasks and suddenly getting a total unfamiliar task or demand. But besides these problems I quite managed to fit in with the other kids. They didn’t notice that I was practically just a copy of all of them together, and that I didn’t even understand what I was doing or saying.